Save the planet

Let's face it, we are fucking up our home. It kinda stinks, no? Want to do something about it? I do... But those solar cars are so goddamn expensive....

The answer? CLAM POWER!!!1!11one!!!1

Know how clams move about the place? They suck in water and then shoot it out and propel themselves along.

Everyone should buy a clam. A huge clam. Biggest clam you can find. Heck, let's give HGH to the clams to make them ginormous! Sit in the ocean on your clam, in your clam saddle with your clam harness and clam helmet and elbow pads and wait... In no time you'll be shooting off to god-knows-where!! Sound exciting?

I mean, sure, cars are more accurate. If you want to travel to aunt Sophie's cottage, a car will get you there first time usually. A clam could shoot off in any direction whatsoever, it might take you 50 years to get there, you might die before you reach your destination, but that's all part of the fun!! It's a small price to pay for saving our planet, right??

This kind of reminds me of those energy-saving light bulbs. Sure, you can have a regular light bulb that works fine, but you're a horrible person. On the other hand, you can have an environmentally friendly light bulb like the one in my bathroom, and you will have virtually no light until it's warmed up, which will take 70 goddamn hours, and when you turn it off, the light will glow a freaky green for 5 more hours, so if it's in your bedroom you have fuck-all chance of sleeping.

On second thought, fuck the planet. I'll move to Mars. The god, not the planet.